A Journey of Compassion: The Silent Song of an Embalmer

I give strength to those who are full of grief,

And honour those now fast asleep. 

Long-term, short-term, maybe sudden,

I arrive soon after the click of a button. 

No whānau there, or maybe an Iwi,

I provide aroha to those that greet me. 

I wait until the families pray,

“I’ll take care of them now”, I may say. 

Watching through the rearview mirror,

I see the whānau begin to quiver. 

Driving through the midst of night,

I sing a song to begin their flight 

Back in the morgue, ill chant a prayer 

Hoping to get them safely there,

I close their eyes and set the features 

Start embalming and turn up the speakers.

“It was nice to meet you”, I greet the dead 

This is where my life’s journey has led.

Poem Composed by Siobhan Wilson – Funeral Director & Embalmer ©

Five Misconceptions About the Funeral Industry

The funeral industry is vital in supporting individuals and families during one of the most challenging times in their lives. However, like any other industry, it is surrounded by misconceptions and myths that often overshadow its true purpose and services. 

We will delve into the top five misconceptions about the funeral industry in New Zealand and shed light on its crucial role in supporting individuals and families during tough times and the compassionate professionals dedicated to serving our community.

Misconception 1: Funerals are always solemn and depressing affairs.

The notion that funerals are always solemn and depressing affairs is a myth. While funerals are typically sad due to the loss of a loved one, they can also serve as meaningful and celebratory events that honour and remember the deceased’s life.

  1. Celebration of Life: Many modern funerals celebrate the deceased’s life and accomplishments. Instead of solely emphasizing grief and sorrow, these ceremonies often include uplifting and positive elements that highlight the person’s unique qualities, achievements, and cherished memories. This shift in perspective can help create a more celebratory atmosphere.
  2. Personalization and Individuality: Funerals today allow for greater personalization and reflect the deceased’s individuality. Families can choose the elements and rituals that align with their loved one’s personality and preferences, and this can include incorporating music, readings, stories, and even specific themes that evoke a sense of joy and remembrance rather than solely focusing on sadness.
  3. Sharing and Support: Funerals allow family and friends to come together, share their memories, and support one another. While there may be moments of grief and reflection, the collective presence of loved ones can also foster a sense of unity and comfort. Funerals can be a time for shared stories, laughter, and the rekindling of relationships, which can bring solace and a more positive atmosphere.
  4. Cultural and Religious Traditions: Cultural and religious traditions often play a significant role in funerals. Some practices incorporate celebration elements, such as live music, dance, or communal feasts, uplifting the mood and creating a more joyful atmosphere. These customs vary across different cultures and religions, demonstrating that funerals can be unique expressions of cultural heritage and beliefs.
  5. Healing and Closure: Funerals provide a virtual space for the grieving process and facilitate healing and closure. While there may be sadness, expressing emotions and acknowledging the loss can lead to peace and acceptance. The presence of support networks, memorial rituals, and the opportunity to say goodbye can contribute to a more cathartic and uplifting experience.

It’s important to remember that funerals can take different forms, and each one is influenced by the wishes and traditions of the family and the culture to which they belong. By embracing the idea of celebrating a life and finding moments of joy and connection amidst the grieving process, funerals can become more meaningful and less solely focused on sadness and solemnity.

Misconception 2: Funeral costs are exorbitant and exploitative.

The myth that funeral costs are exorbitant and exploitative is not entirely accurate. While it is true that funerals can be expensive, it is crucial to understand the factors contributing to the overall cost and recognize that funeral homes provide valuable services and support to grieving families. 

Here are some points to consider:

  1. Service and Expertise: Funeral homes employ trained professionals who guide families through the funeral planning process. These experts handle various tasks, including coordinating with cemeteries, obtaining necessary permits and certificates, preparing the body, organizing visitations or viewings, and arranging transportation. The fees charged by funeral homes often reflect the level of service and expertise provided.
  2. Facilities and Equipment: Funeral homes maintain facilities and equipment to ensure that funeral services are conducted dignifiedly. These facilities often include chapels, viewing rooms, reception areas, and preparation rooms. The costs associated with maintaining these facilities and acquiring specialized equipment contribute to the overall expenses.
  3. Legal and Administrative Requirements: Funeral homes are responsible for complying with various legal and administrative requirements associated with funeral services. These can include obtaining death certificates, burial permits, cremation permits and coordinating with local authorities. These processes involve time, effort, and expenses.
  4. Staff and Operations: Funeral homes employ staff members such as funeral directors, embalmers, administrative staff, and support personnel. The cost of salaries, training, benefits, and other operational expenses are reflected in the overall pricing structure.
  5. Additional Services: Funeral homes offer services beyond the basic funeral, such as memorialization options, funeral notices, transportation, floral arrangements, and catering. These optional services contribute to the overall cost but provide families with choices and customization to honour their loved ones appropriately.

While it is essential to be mindful of the expenses involved in funeral arrangements, it is also important to recognize the value of funeral homes in helping families navigate a complex and emotionally challenging time. Funeral costs can vary depending on location, specific services chosen, and personal preferences. Individuals should research and compare prices and discuss their budgets and needs with funeral directors to ensure they receive the benefits they desire within their means.

Misconception 3: Cremation is the cheapest option available.

Cremation is often considered more affordable than traditional burial but is not always the cheapest option. While cremation can be a cost-effective choice in many cases, it’s essential to consider several factors impacting the overall cost.

  1. Funeral Home Charges: Funeral homes typically charge fees for cremation services, including transportation of the body, necessary permits, professional staff assistance, and the use of their facilities. These fees can vary depending on the funeral home and the specific services chosen. Therefore, the cost of cremation may not solely rely on the cremation process itself.
  2. Additional Services: Families often opt for other services or ceremonies before or after the cremation, such as memorial services, viewings, or religious rituals. These additional services can incur extra costs and may be similar to those associated with traditional burial. Choosing to have a memorial service or other ceremonies can add to the overall cost of cremation.
  3. Urn Selection and Memorialization: After cremation, families may keep the ashes in an urn and scatter them in a designated area. The cost of urns can vary significantly depending on the materials, design, and customization options. Additional expenses may be involved if families decide on a permanent memorialization option, such as a plaque or headstone.
  4. Pre-Planning and Pre-Paid Arrangements: Some people opt for pre-planning or pre-paid cremation arrangements to alleviate the financial burden on their loved ones. These arrangements typically involve paying for the cremation services in advance, locking in prices at the time of purchase. While pre-planning can provide cost savings, it’s essential to carefully review the terms and conditions of such agreements to ensure they meet specific needs and preferences.
  5. Geographic Factors: The cremation cost can vary depending on the location. Prices may differ between urban and rural areas and between different funeral homes within the same region. Researching and comparing prices from various providers is advisable to find the most affordable options in a specific area.

While cremation can be more cost-effective than traditional burial, it’s essential to consider all the associated costs and factors specific to individual circumstances. By discussing preferences and budget constraints with funeral professionals, individuals can make informed decisions that align with their needs while considering the overall cost implications.

Misconception 4: Funeral directors are solely focused on financial gain.

The idea that funeral directors are solely focused on financial gain is a misconception that paints an inaccurate picture of their role and intentions. While funeral directors operate businesses and must consider financial aspects, their primary focus is to provide compassionate and professional support to grieving families during difficult times. 

  1. Compassion and Care: Funeral directors are trained professionals who have chosen a career path that involves providing care and support to bereaved families. They understand the sensitive nature of their work and are dedicated to guiding families through the funeral process with empathy, sensitivity, and respect. Funeral directors often develop long-lasting relationships with families, demonstrating their commitment to serving their needs beyond financial considerations.
  2. Expert Guidance: Funeral directors possess expertise and knowledge about funeral practices, local regulations, and options available to families. They use this expertise to assist families in making informed decisions about funeral arrangements based on their preferences, cultural or religious customs, and budgetary constraints. Funeral directors often go the extra mile to ensure families have a meaningful and personalized experience, reflecting the extraordinary life of the deceased.
  3. Transparency and Communication: Reputable funeral directors prioritize openness in their family dealings. They provide clear explanations of services, itemized pricing, and options available, ensuring that families thoroughly understand the costs involved. Funeral directors are typically open to discussing budgetary concerns and finding solutions that meet families’ needs without compromising on the quality of service.
  4. Support beyond Financial Matters: Funeral directors provide emotional and practical assistance throughout funeral planning. They help families navigate administrative tasks, obtain necessary permits and certificates, coordinate with cemeteries or crematories, and handle logistics. Funeral directors often work closely with families to ensure their wishes are met and that the funeral service honours the deceased’s life meaningfully.
  5. Professional Standards and Regulations: Funeral directors are subject to professional standards and regulations that govern their practices. These standards ensure ethical conduct, transparency, and fair business practices. Professional organizations and licensing boards exist to uphold these standards and provide oversight, promoting the best interests of both funeral directors and the families they serve.

While funeral homes are businesses that require financial sustainability, reputable funeral directors understand the importance of their role in providing support and care during a loss. They strive to balance the financial aspects with the emotional needs of families, emphasizing compassionate service above mere profit. It’s essential to approach funeral directors with open communication and trust, recognizing their dedication to assisting families in their time of need.

Misconception 5: Preplanning funerals is unnecessary and morbid.

Contrary to belief, the idea that preplanning funerals is unnecessary and morbid is a misconception that overlooks the practical and emotional benefits of preplanning. Preplanning funerals can be a thoughtful and responsible decision that provides peace of mind for individuals and their loved ones. 

  1. Relieves Emotional Burden: Preplanning funerals can alleviate a significant emotional burden on loved ones during grief and loss. By making decisions in advance, individuals can ensure their wishes are known and documented, reducing the stress and uncertainty faced by family members who might otherwise have to make difficult choices while mourning.
  2. Personalization and Fulfillment of Wishes: Preplanning allows individuals to personalize their funerals and ensure their final wishes are honoured. It provides an opportunity to make specific requests regarding religious or cultural traditions, choice of burial or cremation, selection of music, readings, or even the inclusion of personal mementos. Preplanning empowers individuals to shape their funerals to reflect their values and preferences.
  3. Financial Considerations: Preplanning can help individuals consider and manage the financial aspects of their funerals. By discussing pricing and options with funeral professionals in advance, individuals can make informed budgeting decisions and explore opportunities for prepayment or funeral insurance, which can potentially save loved ones from financial burdens and unexpected expenses in the future.
  4. Reduces Family Conflicts: Preplanning funerals can help prevent conflicts and disagreements among family members regarding funeral arrangements. When individuals clearly outline their preferences and make their decisions known, it minimizes the chances of differences among surviving family members with differing opinions or expectations. Preplanning can contribute to a smoother and more harmonious process for all involved.
  5. Celebrating Life and Legacy: Preplanning allows individuals to focus on celebrating their life and legacy. By actively participating in the planning process, individuals can ensure that their funerals become meaningful events that reflect their values, accomplishments, and the impact they had on their loved ones’ lives. Preplanning can shift the focus from morbid thoughts to creating a positive and uplifting experience for those left behind.

It’s important to note that preplanning funerals does not mean dwelling on death or inviting negativity. Instead, it allows individuals to take control of their arrangements, alleviate stress on their loved ones, and ensure their final wishes are respected. Preplanning can be a proactive and empowering act that promotes peace of mind and allows individuals to leave a lasting positive legacy.

The funeral industry is dedicated to providing compassionate support and guidance to individuals and families during their most vulnerable moments. By dispelling these misconceptions, we hope to understand better the industry’s essential functions and the compassionate professionals who serve the community.

Embracing the Dance of Life and Death

In shadows cast by fading light,

Where solemn whispers fill the night,

A poet’s pen now takes its flight,

To explore the depths of eternal plight.

Death, a companion on life’s grand stage,

An enigma that defies our sage,

In its embrace, we turn the page,

To realms unknown, where spirits engage.

From the cradle to the grave we tread,

Through joys and sorrows, tears we shed,

In death’s sweet grip, our souls are led,

To realms where mysteries lie widespread.

Yet, in the face of life’s fleeting breath,

Death beckons us to ponder its depth,

To cherish moments, make memories’ wreath,

And find solace in the knowledge we’re not bereft.

For though it may seem a fearsome plight,

Death’s hand may hold an unexpected light,

A passage to a realm of endless sight,

Where love and hope transcend our earthly plight.

So let us not fear death’s gentle call,

But rather embrace its presence tall,

For it reminds us, one and all,

To live our lives with purpose and enthrall.

In death’s embrace, we find release,

A dance with eternity, a final peace,

Embracing the unknown, our souls find release,

And through the veil, our spirit finds its lease.

Creating a Unique Funeral Service 

Losing a loved one is a deeply personal experience, and creating a unique funeral service can be a meaningful way to honour their life and celebrate their individuality. In New Zealand, various options are available to customise a funeral service. Here is a step-by-step guide to help you create a unique and heartfelt farewell for your loved one.

Step 1: Reflect on the Individual’s Life and Wishes
Take time to reflect on the life of the person who has passed away. Consider their passions, interests, and values. Reflect on any conversations or wishes they may have expressed regarding their funeral arrangements. This step will lay the foundation for personalising the service.

Step 2: Choose the Setting
Consider the setting that would best reflect the individual’s personality and preferences. You can opt for a traditional funeral home but also explore unique locations such as a beach, park, family home, or a place that holds special meaning to the deceased. Obtain any necessary permits or permissions if choosing a non-traditional location.

Step 3: Select a Celebrant or Officiant
Find a celebrant or officiant to lead the funeral service and help create a personalised ceremony. Choose someone experienced, compassionate, and willing to work closely with you to honour your loved one’s life. Meet with the celebrant to discuss your ideas, share stories, and collaborate on crafting a unique service.

Step 4: Customise the Ceremony
Work closely with the celebrant to personalise the funeral ceremony. Incorporate elements such as favourite music, readings, poetry, or religious/spiritual traditions that hold significance to the deceased. Encourage family and friends to contribute by sharing memories, stories or performing unique musical pieces.

Step 5: Create a Memorial Display
Design a memorial display that reflects the individual’s life. Include photographs, memorabilia, artwork, or personal items symbolising their passions, achievements, and interests. Consider creating a video montage or slideshow showcasing their life journey.

Step 6: Arrange for Special Touches
Consider incorporating special touches to make the service unique. These can include releasing balloons or doves, lighting candles, planting a tree in their memory, or creating a memory jar where attendees can leave handwritten notes or messages.

Step 7: Explore Alternative Forms of Disposition
If traditional burial doesn’t align with your loved one’s wishes or values, explore alternative forms of disposition and research options such as cremation, natural burial, or eco-friendly alternatives. Consult with funeral professionals who specialise in these practices to ensure your loved one’s wishes are respected.

Step 8: Share Funeral Details and Invite Attendees
Communicate the funeral details with family, friends, and other loved ones. Provide the service’s date, time, location, and any additional information or requests. Consider creating personalised invitations or utilising online platforms to share the details efficiently.

Step 9: Engage in Post-Funeral Activities
Consider hosting post-funeral activities that allow attendees to gather, share memories, and support one another, and this can be a simple gathering at a favourite restaurant, a picnic in the park, or any activity that reflects your loved one’s preferences.

Step 10: Reflect and Preserve Memories
Reflect on the funeral service and its impact on honouring your loved one’s life. Consider preserving memories by creating a memory book, photo album, or a digital memorial website where friends and family can contribute their memories and messages.

Remember, an essential aspect of creating a unique funeral service is honouring and celebrating your loved one’s life in a meaningful way to you and those who knew them best. By personalising the service, you create a lasting tribute.